It's amazing what you find when you're cleaning things out. I was going through some old emails, trying to diminish the amount of space I was using on the webmail server, and I found a column I'd saved from the Our Daily Bread website back in October of 2003.
In "Been Thinking," Matt DeHaan wrote this about trust:
"Sometimes it helps to break the journey down into small steps. Jesus encouraged us not to worry about tomorrow since today has enough of its own problems (Matthew 6:34). In the weakness of turbulent and unsteady emotions we may need to settle for short steps, the wisdom of the moment (James 1:6), and the present reassurance of the one who says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' (Hebrews 13:5)."
It was helpful then, and it's helpful now.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Cat's Dead
There's a story - maybe it's a scene from a movie, maybe it's just an email joke making the rounds, but it goes something like this:
This guy decides to leave his cat with his best friend who would come over to the house and live with his mom while he's away. He told his friend, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him." The next day, he phoned his friend and asked, "How are things?" "Everything's fine - your mom is fine, the cat is fine, everything is fine."
The next day, he calls, asking the same questions: "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Mom's fine." "How's the cat?" "The cat's DEAD." "WHAT?!? How could you let it die?" "Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
The first guy said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg,' you know?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later." "OK. Bye." He hung up. The next day, he called again. "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Um, Mom's on the roof."
Well, the cat's dead - except it isn't a cat - it's someone I used to think was pretty special. And he's not dead; he just has a wedding date set for June 16. Obviously, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped, but I thought that giving it time would make a difference. It made a difference for him - he's getting married in June to a 35-year-old divorcee with 2 kids. His mom was kind enough to give me a "the cat's on the roof" at Christmas - their family newsletter mentioned the engagement (although this is the fourth or more time he's been engaged), so it wasn't a complete shock, but it's still hard.
It helped that I had read this from This Fish, but as comforting as Heather's blog entry was, it didn't quite fit. So, I went looking further and found these excerpts from Corrie Ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place" that were just what I needed:
(On the prospect of her father's death): "I burst into tears, 'I need you!' I sobbed. 'You can't die! You can't!' 'Corrie,' he began gently. 'When you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket?' 'Why, just before we get on the train.' 'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need – just in time.'”
And then this:
"How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. I was afraid of what father would say. Afraid he would say, “There'll be someone else soon,” and that forever afterwards this untruth would lie between us. 'Corrie,' he began instead, 'do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel, even more than you do, and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old human way, God can give us the perfect way.'"
It is amazing how God's grace is available for those unexpected (by us) events - those bumps in the road that could derail us from our course. A couple of times in the past, I've been the recipient of that grace - both times, it was completely unexpected, but it was there just the same. This time has been another one - and I am grateful to God for the foundation He's laid in my heart and in my life to prepare me for this just now.
I'm not to the point where I can be happy about it yet, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. All of the "not God's will" reminders are there - I just need to stop and catch my breath.
This guy decides to leave his cat with his best friend who would come over to the house and live with his mom while he's away. He told his friend, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him." The next day, he phoned his friend and asked, "How are things?" "Everything's fine - your mom is fine, the cat is fine, everything is fine."
The next day, he calls, asking the same questions: "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Mom's fine." "How's the cat?" "The cat's DEAD." "WHAT?!? How could you let it die?" "Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
The first guy said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg,' you know?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later." "OK. Bye." He hung up. The next day, he called again. "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Um, Mom's on the roof."
Well, the cat's dead - except it isn't a cat - it's someone I used to think was pretty special. And he's not dead; he just has a wedding date set for June 16. Obviously, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped, but I thought that giving it time would make a difference. It made a difference for him - he's getting married in June to a 35-year-old divorcee with 2 kids. His mom was kind enough to give me a "the cat's on the roof" at Christmas - their family newsletter mentioned the engagement (although this is the fourth or more time he's been engaged), so it wasn't a complete shock, but it's still hard.
It helped that I had read this from This Fish, but as comforting as Heather's blog entry was, it didn't quite fit. So, I went looking further and found these excerpts from Corrie Ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place" that were just what I needed:
(On the prospect of her father's death): "I burst into tears, 'I need you!' I sobbed. 'You can't die! You can't!' 'Corrie,' he began gently. 'When you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket?' 'Why, just before we get on the train.' 'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need – just in time.'”
And then this:
"How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. I was afraid of what father would say. Afraid he would say, “There'll be someone else soon,” and that forever afterwards this untruth would lie between us. 'Corrie,' he began instead, 'do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel, even more than you do, and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old human way, God can give us the perfect way.'"
It is amazing how God's grace is available for those unexpected (by us) events - those bumps in the road that could derail us from our course. A couple of times in the past, I've been the recipient of that grace - both times, it was completely unexpected, but it was there just the same. This time has been another one - and I am grateful to God for the foundation He's laid in my heart and in my life to prepare me for this just now.
I'm not to the point where I can be happy about it yet, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. All of the "not God's will" reminders are there - I just need to stop and catch my breath.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Sunday Best
Somewhat like the "third date," the third visit to my new church was fraught with a little trepidation. I know where to sit so that I'm not sitting where other people usually sit - not a big deal, but polite. I know that many of the songs are in the hymn book and some are just on the screen. I know that their men's choir is really good - not "American Idol" good, but the really good local choir of men's voices where the men sing from their hearts and it just sounds wonderful. I know that there are still some lovely older German people in the congregation - men and women for whom English is still their second language - who know what it's like to be new and alone.
At the same time, it's heartbreaking to be doing this alone - this finding a new church family without the comfort of my parents or grandparents sitting in the pew next to me (or behind me). On one hand, when I didn't have a church of my own, it felt like I was still away at college, or just for whatever reason temporarily separated from my family, and that when we were all back together again, everything would go back to normal. This is a step away from that - a step away from that feeling of belonging and that feeling of normalcy with my family before things fell apart.
On the other hand, this might be the right church for me. It might be the place where I make my own family, as one of the lovely older German ladies said this morning. She came to this country and joined this church alone - and the church became her family.
The thing is, I didn't want to do this alone. This is just one of the many things I didn't want to have to do alone! I didn't want to buy a house alone - I wanted to buy a house with a husband, and I wanted us to grow together and raise a family in that house. I wanted us to find a church and join and become members there and watch our children grow from the nursery to the high school and college groups there.
I wanted to be a part of the couples' group - talking about our children and their needs and struggles and activities as a part of a larger whole. I didn't want to end up in the older singles' group - no matter how euphemistically titled - with no one in my past except the ghosts of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I don't know how to do this indefinitely. I was OK for a while, but as "a while" gets longer and longer, I feel weak instead of empowered, found wanting instead of wanted, rejected instead of independent, lost instead of in control of my life and my destiny.
I put off finding things that were important to me - hid them and disguised their importance to myself and others - because I thought it was somehow nobler to get an education and a good career, instead of expecting to marry and have a husband take care of me. Instead of acknowledging that I wanted to marry and have a family, I joked about going to college for an education instead of an M.R.S. What I've sown, I now reap.
So, I can stay here whining about the life I didn't choose, and which has its own bumps and detours along the way, or I can give the life I have to God - it is what I have, after all - and let Him do what He wants with it.
"Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm-My great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will My people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will My people be shamed" (Joel 2:23-27).
At the same time, it's heartbreaking to be doing this alone - this finding a new church family without the comfort of my parents or grandparents sitting in the pew next to me (or behind me). On one hand, when I didn't have a church of my own, it felt like I was still away at college, or just for whatever reason temporarily separated from my family, and that when we were all back together again, everything would go back to normal. This is a step away from that - a step away from that feeling of belonging and that feeling of normalcy with my family before things fell apart.
On the other hand, this might be the right church for me. It might be the place where I make my own family, as one of the lovely older German ladies said this morning. She came to this country and joined this church alone - and the church became her family.
The thing is, I didn't want to do this alone. This is just one of the many things I didn't want to have to do alone! I didn't want to buy a house alone - I wanted to buy a house with a husband, and I wanted us to grow together and raise a family in that house. I wanted us to find a church and join and become members there and watch our children grow from the nursery to the high school and college groups there.
I wanted to be a part of the couples' group - talking about our children and their needs and struggles and activities as a part of a larger whole. I didn't want to end up in the older singles' group - no matter how euphemistically titled - with no one in my past except the ghosts of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I don't know how to do this indefinitely. I was OK for a while, but as "a while" gets longer and longer, I feel weak instead of empowered, found wanting instead of wanted, rejected instead of independent, lost instead of in control of my life and my destiny.
I put off finding things that were important to me - hid them and disguised their importance to myself and others - because I thought it was somehow nobler to get an education and a good career, instead of expecting to marry and have a husband take care of me. Instead of acknowledging that I wanted to marry and have a family, I joked about going to college for an education instead of an M.R.S. What I've sown, I now reap.
So, I can stay here whining about the life I didn't choose, and which has its own bumps and detours along the way, or I can give the life I have to God - it is what I have, after all - and let Him do what He wants with it.
"Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm-My great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will My people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will My people be shamed" (Joel 2:23-27).
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Mid-Afternoon Check-Up
I’m starting to feel a little better on one hand and a little queasier on the other.
Better because the demon-client is being redirected to other people. Queasier because I’m a little apprehensive about how my rejecting this client because they are so evil is going to play with the powers that be. I still stand by my decision - it was interfering with my health (physical and mental), and it had to be done.
I still have to turn the hot water tap off from the basement, unscrew the handle on the thingie under the sink, take the valve out and get 2 more from Home Depot. Then, I can put the whole thing back together, turn the hot water back on and run my dishwasher through its maiden voyage.
I also deleted the shortcut to the Spider Solitaire game today. It was just too freakin’ tempting.
Better because the demon-client is being redirected to other people. Queasier because I’m a little apprehensive about how my rejecting this client because they are so evil is going to play with the powers that be. I still stand by my decision - it was interfering with my health (physical and mental), and it had to be done.
I still have to turn the hot water tap off from the basement, unscrew the handle on the thingie under the sink, take the valve out and get 2 more from Home Depot. Then, I can put the whole thing back together, turn the hot water back on and run my dishwasher through its maiden voyage.
I also deleted the shortcut to the Spider Solitaire game today. It was just too freakin’ tempting.
Thursday Thirteen
I know, I know. It's not an "official" Thursday Thirteen, but it's MY blog. I can do what I want. So there. Too.
Thirteen Things I Am Happy About:
1. My dog, who loves me no matter how crabby I am.
2. My new dishwasher (which I haven't used yet because I still haven't changed the valve).
3. My job - which doesn't suck today.
4. That my job doesn't suck today.
5. Friends at work - I have been so very blessed with and by the people I work with.
6. Regular phone calls with my parents
7. AT & T Unlimited Long Distance - which makes number 6 above possible.
8. Sunshine for 2 days in a row. Yes, we started yesterday with 2-4 inches of snow, but the sunshine makes it worthwhile.
9. A roof over my head - there are people who sleep in boxes or in bus shelters or wherever they can find a place to rest.
10. My car - which is a foreign product but is still the best car I've had since my 1985 Omni. I've called both cars "Timex" cars - because they take a licking and keep on ticking.
11. Spring is coming - less than 2 weeks away - so the days are getting longer, so there is more daylight.
12. My doctor who has prescribed stuff for my allergies and sinus infection, so I can breathe and sleep and do things that I couldn't do earlier this year.
13. Clients that are not mean to me.
Also, thanks to a friend/blogger, I instituted "Chocolate Bar Thursdays" at work for my secretary and her pod-mate (who are also my friends), and it makes me happy and it makes them happy, and it's just been fun to do. So, that's fourteen, but as I said: it's my blog, so I can do what I want. :)
Thirteen Things I Am Happy About:
1. My dog, who loves me no matter how crabby I am.
2. My new dishwasher (which I haven't used yet because I still haven't changed the valve).
3. My job - which doesn't suck today.
4. That my job doesn't suck today.
5. Friends at work - I have been so very blessed with and by the people I work with.
6. Regular phone calls with my parents
7. AT & T Unlimited Long Distance - which makes number 6 above possible.
8. Sunshine for 2 days in a row. Yes, we started yesterday with 2-4 inches of snow, but the sunshine makes it worthwhile.
9. A roof over my head - there are people who sleep in boxes or in bus shelters or wherever they can find a place to rest.
10. My car - which is a foreign product but is still the best car I've had since my 1985 Omni. I've called both cars "Timex" cars - because they take a licking and keep on ticking.
11. Spring is coming - less than 2 weeks away - so the days are getting longer, so there is more daylight.
12. My doctor who has prescribed stuff for my allergies and sinus infection, so I can breathe and sleep and do things that I couldn't do earlier this year.
13. Clients that are not mean to me.
Also, thanks to a friend/blogger, I instituted "Chocolate Bar Thursdays" at work for my secretary and her pod-mate (who are also my friends), and it makes me happy and it makes them happy, and it's just been fun to do. So, that's fourteen, but as I said: it's my blog, so I can do what I want. :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Moody Blues
Not really sure what this is. Started this morning just fine - woke up (albeit late), went to work, was very productive. Got a fish sandwich for lunch at Wendy's directly because of the stupid fish commercial on my way home to take my little puppy-boy outside for a walk to enjoy the sunshine before it snows (AGAIN with the snow!! Enough already!). Came back to work, and PFFLBBTTT! Nothing. No ambition, no motivation, no ganas, nothing. If it weren't for the fact that I have no money other than what I make at my job, I would go home in a New-York-minute (which is just as long as a regular minute, but it has attitude).
I just don't want to do this anymore - but I can't think of anything else I want to do, either. Wait - yes, I can: Soak in a jacuzzi tub; get a massage, spa pedicure and manicure; sleep; vacuum all of the floors in my condo without my dog trying to bite the beater brush; lay on a beach someplace warm and have a nice breeze blowing just enough to keep me from passing out from heat exhaustion, as long as there are fences on either side and as long as there are no sharks or other sea critters to eat my dog. Yep. I'd rather do those things than this.
I just don't want to do this anymore - but I can't think of anything else I want to do, either. Wait - yes, I can: Soak in a jacuzzi tub; get a massage, spa pedicure and manicure; sleep; vacuum all of the floors in my condo without my dog trying to bite the beater brush; lay on a beach someplace warm and have a nice breeze blowing just enough to keep me from passing out from heat exhaustion, as long as there are fences on either side and as long as there are no sharks or other sea critters to eat my dog. Yep. I'd rather do those things than this.
Monday, March 5, 2007
My Week In Review
They installed my dishwasher on Saturday. :) It looks wonderful compared to the other one, but I haven’t used it yet because the valve for the hot water connection is still leaking a bit and I don’t want to blow a valve and have water everywhere. Turns out, the one that had been in there before (for apparently decades) was a portable! Yep. They took the top off an old portable dishwasher and ... jury-rigged it as a built-in. That certainly explains the fake oak panel on the front!! Because it wasn't intended to be a built-in dishwasher, it took the installation guys an hour to do what would otherwise have been a 15-20 minute job. (Sigh!)
I’m going to check the valve again at noon. If it’s still leaking, I’m going to go down in the basement and turn off the hot water and then take the valve apart and get 2 new valves – one for the one I know I need to replace and one for the other one. Then, I can replace the valve, check it to make sure it doesn’t leak, and then run the dishwasher. The guys who installed it tested it, so it should be fine, but I will feel more comfortable using it if I have a new valve that doesn’t leak.
Of course, once I got the new dishwasher in, the hardware on the cabinets didn’t look right. The new dishwasher has a stainless steel-looking front panel, which totally clashed with the 1970s country oak look, so I went to Home Depot and bought a new brushed pewter looking one and tried it out. It looked very nice with the new dishwasher, so I replaced all 24 handles (at $4/each, that was about $98). Now that the handles are in, the cupboards don’t look too bad. I probably will still strip them and stain them a cherry color, but they look OK for now.
Frankly, everything looks OK. I will need to replace my refrigerator in the next year or so, but I’m hoping I can hold off on that until next year. The refrigerator is about 18 years old, and it's making those noises. I had to disconnect the ice maker because it was leaking all over the floor, but that wasn't a big deal because I never used the ice anyway. Once I replace the refrigerator, I will probably replace the stove, since if I don't, it's going to feel left out anyway. The floor will be replaced eventually, too, once I decide what I want to replace it with. Then, of course, the walls will need to be painted - and then the light fixtures....... All because of a dishwasher.
Right now, however, the only problem is the water coming down into the window well. I think it’s leaking into the basement, which makes me so mad. When they redid the sump pump overflow thing, they directed the overflow right back toward the foundation – which was SO galactically stupid! – and the water had no place to go but right down into the window well (and thus right into my basement).
Once that matter gets resolved, I will have no choice but to fold laundry and put it away. Euwww. That’s going to require alcohol, I think.
I’m going to check the valve again at noon. If it’s still leaking, I’m going to go down in the basement and turn off the hot water and then take the valve apart and get 2 new valves – one for the one I know I need to replace and one for the other one. Then, I can replace the valve, check it to make sure it doesn’t leak, and then run the dishwasher. The guys who installed it tested it, so it should be fine, but I will feel more comfortable using it if I have a new valve that doesn’t leak.
Of course, once I got the new dishwasher in, the hardware on the cabinets didn’t look right. The new dishwasher has a stainless steel-looking front panel, which totally clashed with the 1970s country oak look, so I went to Home Depot and bought a new brushed pewter looking one and tried it out. It looked very nice with the new dishwasher, so I replaced all 24 handles (at $4/each, that was about $98). Now that the handles are in, the cupboards don’t look too bad. I probably will still strip them and stain them a cherry color, but they look OK for now.
Frankly, everything looks OK. I will need to replace my refrigerator in the next year or so, but I’m hoping I can hold off on that until next year. The refrigerator is about 18 years old, and it's making those noises. I had to disconnect the ice maker because it was leaking all over the floor, but that wasn't a big deal because I never used the ice anyway. Once I replace the refrigerator, I will probably replace the stove, since if I don't, it's going to feel left out anyway. The floor will be replaced eventually, too, once I decide what I want to replace it with. Then, of course, the walls will need to be painted - and then the light fixtures....... All because of a dishwasher.
Right now, however, the only problem is the water coming down into the window well. I think it’s leaking into the basement, which makes me so mad. When they redid the sump pump overflow thing, they directed the overflow right back toward the foundation – which was SO galactically stupid! – and the water had no place to go but right down into the window well (and thus right into my basement).
Once that matter gets resolved, I will have no choice but to fold laundry and put it away. Euwww. That’s going to require alcohol, I think.
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