Today is a little better. I’m still sad, and I’m still a little hurt, but I feel like I have a little more perspective on it. It could just be that the family decided they wanted the service to be just for family. I can understand that – they might also include anyone at her church who was close to her, while I hadn’t seen her in three and a half years (even though I'd written to her monthly for how long now....). I can do my own thing as far as closure and remembering her life in a way that helps me, and that will be OK.
The only thing is, I feel like I did – how many years ago? – when I had a similar experience with someone else. I hadn’t seen it coming at all, and then wham! Both situations came down to someone treating me as if I wasn’t worth their time for even the smallest courtesy - the whole "not-talking-to-you" thing is very immature, but it works. All I could do the last time was to withdraw to my own “safe zone” and wait until I felt healed enough to venture back out into the world. That’s how I feel now – fragile and stretched beyond what I can cope with on my own. I want to go home and cry, and I can't.
Showing posts with label TSB. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TSB. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Cat's Dead
There's a story - maybe it's a scene from a movie, maybe it's just an email joke making the rounds, but it goes something like this:
This guy decides to leave his cat with his best friend who would come over to the house and live with his mom while he's away. He told his friend, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him." The next day, he phoned his friend and asked, "How are things?" "Everything's fine - your mom is fine, the cat is fine, everything is fine."
The next day, he calls, asking the same questions: "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Mom's fine." "How's the cat?" "The cat's DEAD." "WHAT?!? How could you let it die?" "Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
The first guy said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg,' you know?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later." "OK. Bye." He hung up. The next day, he called again. "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Um, Mom's on the roof."
Well, the cat's dead - except it isn't a cat - it's someone I used to think was pretty special. And he's not dead; he just has a wedding date set for June 16. Obviously, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped, but I thought that giving it time would make a difference. It made a difference for him - he's getting married in June to a 35-year-old divorcee with 2 kids. His mom was kind enough to give me a "the cat's on the roof" at Christmas - their family newsletter mentioned the engagement (although this is the fourth or more time he's been engaged), so it wasn't a complete shock, but it's still hard.
It helped that I had read this from This Fish, but as comforting as Heather's blog entry was, it didn't quite fit. So, I went looking further and found these excerpts from Corrie Ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place" that were just what I needed:
(On the prospect of her father's death): "I burst into tears, 'I need you!' I sobbed. 'You can't die! You can't!' 'Corrie,' he began gently. 'When you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket?' 'Why, just before we get on the train.' 'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need – just in time.'”
And then this:
"How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. I was afraid of what father would say. Afraid he would say, “There'll be someone else soon,” and that forever afterwards this untruth would lie between us. 'Corrie,' he began instead, 'do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel, even more than you do, and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old human way, God can give us the perfect way.'"
It is amazing how God's grace is available for those unexpected (by us) events - those bumps in the road that could derail us from our course. A couple of times in the past, I've been the recipient of that grace - both times, it was completely unexpected, but it was there just the same. This time has been another one - and I am grateful to God for the foundation He's laid in my heart and in my life to prepare me for this just now.
I'm not to the point where I can be happy about it yet, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. All of the "not God's will" reminders are there - I just need to stop and catch my breath.
This guy decides to leave his cat with his best friend who would come over to the house and live with his mom while he's away. He told his friend, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him." The next day, he phoned his friend and asked, "How are things?" "Everything's fine - your mom is fine, the cat is fine, everything is fine."
The next day, he calls, asking the same questions: "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Mom's fine." "How's the cat?" "The cat's DEAD." "WHAT?!? How could you let it die?" "Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
The first guy said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg,' you know?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later." "OK. Bye." He hung up. The next day, he called again. "How are things?" "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Um, Mom's on the roof."
Well, the cat's dead - except it isn't a cat - it's someone I used to think was pretty special. And he's not dead; he just has a wedding date set for June 16. Obviously, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped, but I thought that giving it time would make a difference. It made a difference for him - he's getting married in June to a 35-year-old divorcee with 2 kids. His mom was kind enough to give me a "the cat's on the roof" at Christmas - their family newsletter mentioned the engagement (although this is the fourth or more time he's been engaged), so it wasn't a complete shock, but it's still hard.
It helped that I had read this from This Fish, but as comforting as Heather's blog entry was, it didn't quite fit. So, I went looking further and found these excerpts from Corrie Ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place" that were just what I needed:
(On the prospect of her father's death): "I burst into tears, 'I need you!' I sobbed. 'You can't die! You can't!' 'Corrie,' he began gently. 'When you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket?' 'Why, just before we get on the train.' 'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need – just in time.'”
And then this:
"How long I lay on my bed sobbing for the one love of my life I do not know. I was afraid of what father would say. Afraid he would say, “There'll be someone else soon,” and that forever afterwards this untruth would lie between us. 'Corrie,' he began instead, 'do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel, even more than you do, and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old human way, God can give us the perfect way.'"
It is amazing how God's grace is available for those unexpected (by us) events - those bumps in the road that could derail us from our course. A couple of times in the past, I've been the recipient of that grace - both times, it was completely unexpected, but it was there just the same. This time has been another one - and I am grateful to God for the foundation He's laid in my heart and in my life to prepare me for this just now.
I'm not to the point where I can be happy about it yet, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. All of the "not God's will" reminders are there - I just need to stop and catch my breath.
Monday, March 6, 2006
Passing along
I have to confess: I copied this entire section from a 700 Club blurb about a new book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger because I found it immensely practical. With due apologies to Pat Robertson and his staff, here are 10 tips to survive your rotten childhood:
To come to a good life, the struggle is against forces internal – they are yourself. Dr. Laura offers ten qualities that make it possible to liberate yourself from victimhood, and change your life from victim to victor.
1) A look in the mirror means facing the truth and deciding not to be a victim any longer.
2) Enduring the pain means stop waiting for the pain of your past to go away – it never will. Eventually the pain will have so many wonderful interruptions that it will become more readily tolerated and a less powerful force in your life.
3) Acceptance doesn’t mean you embrace your bad experiences or that you like it or agree with it. It is now your turn to decide what you’re going to do with it – or in spite of it.
4) Letting go means not allowing your bad thoughts, memories, and feelings from your bad childhood to squeeze out any joy you could enjoy in a good life.
5) Replacing bad habits like negativity or always being suspicious of the motives of others. You cannot treat the world as though it was an instant replay of your childhood.
6) Reaching out means “filling up” the empty spots in your life with healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people. Although risky and sometimes scary, it is important and necessary.
7) Spirituality means opening outward. Living for something or someone outside of yourself is the primary means by which you find purpose and value in your life.
8) Perspective means getting the focus off yourself. Get involved in volunteer work, charitable causes, etc.
9) Hobbies are a good distraction to move your mind away from somber issues into a positive area for growth and change.
10) A positive Attitude always makes your circumstances look better.
I think this would be a good book to read - there have to be practical suggestions on how to do some of those things when you don't have the tools to figure it out for yourself. I'm not saying I had a "bad" childhood - I know there were things my parents just didn't know how to do, and that for the most part, they did the best they could. I also know that at their worst, they are lazy and self-centered people (as I am wont to be), and that there certainly were decisions they could have made differently.
Where I tend to get bogged down is in the area of figuring out how to work past those issues - for example, how does one plan meals around a budget? How does one maintain relationships with people who don't always behave well themselves? How does one recognize "healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people?" How does one remove dog urp from a light tan carpet? (OK, I figured that last one out...) How does one stop saying "how does one" without banging one's head against the desk?? :) It's one thing to know what is right; it's a totally different thing to recognize that you don't have a clue how to do it, but that if you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
OK, here's the thing: I'm still thinking about that stupid boy..... He's seeing someone - "a great gal", according to his mother. Why she sent me a Christmas card is beyond me...... But she did. I answered (because I was brought up right), but it certainly took the lid off of something I thought I'd packed away pretty well and forgotten about: my crush since I was 13 years old.... (Sigh!)
Rule #1: We will no longer try to cure this illness (for illness it is) with M & M peanut candies. Rule #2: In obeying Rule #1, we will not substitute other forms of "comfort food" for the aforementioned M & M peanut candies. Although they are tasty, they go straight to my behind and stay. Rule #3: Instead of treating the symptoms with food, we will focus on what is going well right now and on keeping it (whatever it might be) going well. Rule #4: We will give thanks for every single person God has brought into our lives because they mean that we have a future.
Maybe I will think of more rules tomorrow. I hope they won't all be phrased in the royal "we....."
To come to a good life, the struggle is against forces internal – they are yourself. Dr. Laura offers ten qualities that make it possible to liberate yourself from victimhood, and change your life from victim to victor.
1) A look in the mirror means facing the truth and deciding not to be a victim any longer.
2) Enduring the pain means stop waiting for the pain of your past to go away – it never will. Eventually the pain will have so many wonderful interruptions that it will become more readily tolerated and a less powerful force in your life.
3) Acceptance doesn’t mean you embrace your bad experiences or that you like it or agree with it. It is now your turn to decide what you’re going to do with it – or in spite of it.
4) Letting go means not allowing your bad thoughts, memories, and feelings from your bad childhood to squeeze out any joy you could enjoy in a good life.
5) Replacing bad habits like negativity or always being suspicious of the motives of others. You cannot treat the world as though it was an instant replay of your childhood.
6) Reaching out means “filling up” the empty spots in your life with healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people. Although risky and sometimes scary, it is important and necessary.
7) Spirituality means opening outward. Living for something or someone outside of yourself is the primary means by which you find purpose and value in your life.
8) Perspective means getting the focus off yourself. Get involved in volunteer work, charitable causes, etc.
9) Hobbies are a good distraction to move your mind away from somber issues into a positive area for growth and change.
10) A positive Attitude always makes your circumstances look better.
I think this would be a good book to read - there have to be practical suggestions on how to do some of those things when you don't have the tools to figure it out for yourself. I'm not saying I had a "bad" childhood - I know there were things my parents just didn't know how to do, and that for the most part, they did the best they could. I also know that at their worst, they are lazy and self-centered people (as I am wont to be), and that there certainly were decisions they could have made differently.
Where I tend to get bogged down is in the area of figuring out how to work past those issues - for example, how does one plan meals around a budget? How does one maintain relationships with people who don't always behave well themselves? How does one recognize "healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people?" How does one remove dog urp from a light tan carpet? (OK, I figured that last one out...) How does one stop saying "how does one" without banging one's head against the desk?? :) It's one thing to know what is right; it's a totally different thing to recognize that you don't have a clue how to do it, but that if you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
OK, here's the thing: I'm still thinking about that stupid boy..... He's seeing someone - "a great gal", according to his mother. Why she sent me a Christmas card is beyond me...... But she did. I answered (because I was brought up right), but it certainly took the lid off of something I thought I'd packed away pretty well and forgotten about: my crush since I was 13 years old.... (Sigh!)
Rule #1: We will no longer try to cure this illness (for illness it is) with M & M peanut candies. Rule #2: In obeying Rule #1, we will not substitute other forms of "comfort food" for the aforementioned M & M peanut candies. Although they are tasty, they go straight to my behind and stay. Rule #3: Instead of treating the symptoms with food, we will focus on what is going well right now and on keeping it (whatever it might be) going well. Rule #4: We will give thanks for every single person God has brought into our lives because they mean that we have a future.
Maybe I will think of more rules tomorrow. I hope they won't all be phrased in the royal "we....."
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