New Day Update

Well, here's the denouement. They both read the email, and they've talked, and my dad called and said, "you're right." Not entirely unexpected, because I was right, but that's not really the point.

He then says, "I've got somebody here who wants to talk to you," and hands the phone to my mom. Her first words are, "I understand - I understand that I'm just not going to be able to talk about my feelings."

AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! [head explodes]. We are now entering the "poor me" phase of the next who-knows-how-long.

Anyway, she's coming up to see my aunt on the 23rd, which is a week from yesterday. At first she said that she was going to go up there, pick my aunt up, take her to look at this place where the cousins' reunion is going to be in September, take her home, drop her off and then go home, "since I don't want to interfere in your life...." [head explodes again].

Either she doesn't get that her talking about how she feels is fine as long as she respects certain boundaries about it, or her life with my dad is so miserable that the only feelings she has about her life are that my dad is making her miserable - which I don't entirely believe, BTW. My dad can be a selfish brat, but he's not intractible.

So, we'll see. I know that part of the reason she's really pissed off at me is because she didn't want to admit some of what she said about the choices she made, and I don't think she wanted my dad to know any of it, either. See, my parents had what used to be called a "shotgun" wedding back in '63 (although, technically, there was no shotgun, and my grandfather and my uncle would have just as rather my parents didn't get married, but that's another story for another day).

There were issues there that pre-dated her and my dad's courtship that my mom has just sat on for 44+ years, and she won't let go of any of it, since it seems much more useful to hold it over his head for the rest of their married lives. As I sit here now, I don't know whether my mom is mad that my dad knows things she hadn't planned to tell him, or if she's sort of glad that it's out in the open because she wanted him to know but didn't want to actually come right out and take responsibility for it. Or both.

Damn! Raising parents is hard......

Cleaning House

Just as the cleaning of a home brings a sense of order and peace to the resident, so cleaning the inside of my head brings a sense of order and peace to, well, me.

I am inherently mistrustful of things that happen too quickly. If it's fast, it's probably not done well or thoroughly, and it's probably going to need fixing again. However, when a train goes off the tracks, putting it back immediately is usually a successful endeavor.

Last week, I went off the tracks. So totally off the tracks that I blocked out certain things I had agreed to do. I even forgot an appointment I apparently agreed to last week that I was supposed to go to my aunt's and uncle's yesterday. My aunt called me last night asking if I was coming - I hadn't even remembered agreeing to go.

I told her I was very sorry - that I hadn't written it down, and so when I was looking at my calendar yesterday and Saturday, I didn't realize I was supposed to be there. I told her that I would bring dinner next time since I was the one that had totally messed up.

On one hand, I think she was ticked because she'd gone to a lot of trouble to fix a nice dinner both weeks (I didn't go last week either because I had just gotten back, and I didn't realize that she expected me the day I returned from a 12-hour drive - she did).

On the other hand, I think she was a little relieved that even 40-something year olds forget things like that. Plus, she was going to call my mom anyway to confirm when my mom is coming for her visit, so that was probably just as well.

And on that, I have started working on what happened the last time I was at my parents' house, and as far as the boundary problem, I decided that one healthy boundary I can set is to tell my mom that I am not going to listen to her complain about being married to Dad. I love them both, and while I recognize they both have imperfections, I will not listen to either one of them criticize or tear down the other one. Either deal with it between the two of them, or seek outside assistance from a qualified and trusted person, but do not dump that crap on me. There. That’s one.

The other things I decided I could do were 1) get a quiet time diary from the bible institute I attended back in 1983 (which I ordered today); and, 2) get involved in something specific at the church that I can commit to doing for at least a year, other than the choir.

The church I belong to has a library of its own, and I've always loved libraries. They were places of refuge and places from which to explore the world without leaving the comfort of my own place.

The lady who has been in charge of the church library for what is apparently a very long time needs help, especially since the last donation Sunday yielded a contribution for a computer system for the library. She can only see out of one eye, and she can't do the computer work for long without a break, so I volunteered to help her - not just with the computer stuff but with the library as well.

I learned how the card system works, and I learned that I can help with the cross-referencing and indexing of subject matter when they get the computer, which will help people who want to research a particular subject but don't know what is out there on what they want.

Since that's how my brain works, I thought that would be a good idea. At least for a year or so - I don't want to just jump in and out of things, but I also want to try different things and see where my talents are best used. The church also has a website, and I'd like to do something there, too, but I need to go slowly. There is nothing like agreeing to do too much too quickly to get a really bad case of burnout.......

"If you're paranoid-delusional, we know where you are and what you want..."

I am going to have to look for the rest of that joke - it's one of my favorites, particularly when I need to press a button for something or someone!!

So much for staying on top of things. I haven’t done any of the things I planned to do, and I’ve gotten into more trouble than I would have liked, but otherwise, it has not been too terrible.
I won my trial last week (yay!), but I did not do any of the house-cleaning I wanted to do because I got stressed out about something at work that did NOT get done - technically not my fault, as it was mostly because of someone else's complete failure to do her job, but I should have followed up on it.

Fortunately, it doesn’t appear that it was a fatal error, but I’m not going to relax until next January’s review. I bet one of the guys I work with $50 that I hear about it at my review. It would not be a bet I’d be sorry to lose, but I don’t think I’m going to lose.

Probably also in part as a consequence of the previous week's events, I did two somewhat foolish things today: I stopped at the Eddie Bauer store at Great Lakes Crossing on my way home from court this morning(no, I did not bill the client for my shopping time!), where I found a totally fabulous comforter cover, dust ruffle and 2 pillow shams for my bed and a nice sweater and tank set to wear to work all for the unbelievably low price of $106.00 (yes, I spent over $100 on stuff I could have done without); and, I … emailed that stupid boy*.

NCIS has a kind of running gag now where Gibbs smacks the offending party in his crew (usually one of the guys – I’ve never seen him smack either of the girls) on the back of the head for doing something stupid. That’s what I should be doing to myself right now, only I’m typing. Maybe one of these days, I will fill in some of the blanks about who that stupid boy is, or what the deal is about sending him an email. If I ever make any sense of it, I will, but don't hold your breath.

Here's the rest of the joke:

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, then please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

*"Emailed" in this case means I sent an Abbott and Costello joke - sort of an old family thing. About why that might be a problem? Another day, and lots of margaritas.......

Passing along

I have to confess: I copied this entire section from a 700 Club blurb about a new book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger because I found it immensely practical. With due apologies to Pat Robertson and his staff, here are 10 tips to survive your rotten childhood:

To come to a good life, the struggle is against forces internal – they are yourself. Dr. Laura offers ten qualities that make it possible to liberate yourself from victimhood, and change your life from victim to victor.

1) A look in the mirror means facing the truth and deciding not to be a victim any longer.

2) Enduring the pain means stop waiting for the pain of your past to go away – it never will. Eventually the pain will have so many wonderful interruptions that it will become more readily tolerated and a less powerful force in your life.

3) Acceptance doesn’t mean you embrace your bad experiences or that you like it or agree with it. It is now your turn to decide what you’re going to do with it – or in spite of it.

4) Letting go means not allowing your bad thoughts, memories, and feelings from your bad childhood to squeeze out any joy you could enjoy in a good life.

5) Replacing bad habits like negativity or always being suspicious of the motives of others. You cannot treat the world as though it was an instant replay of your childhood.

6) Reaching out means “filling up” the empty spots in your life with healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people. Although risky and sometimes scary, it is important and necessary.

7) Spirituality means opening outward. Living for something or someone outside of yourself is the primary means by which you find purpose and value in your life.

8) Perspective means getting the focus off yourself. Get involved in volunteer work, charitable causes, etc.

9) Hobbies are a good distraction to move your mind away from somber issues into a positive area for growth and change.

10) A positive Attitude always makes your circumstances look better.

I think this would be a good book to read - there have to be practical suggestions on how to do some of those things when you don't have the tools to figure it out for yourself. I'm not saying I had a "bad" childhood - I know there were things my parents just didn't know how to do, and that for the most part, they did the best they could. I also know that at their worst, they are lazy and self-centered people (as I am wont to be), and that there certainly were decisions they could have made differently.

Where I tend to get bogged down is in the area of figuring out how to work past those issues - for example, how does one plan meals around a budget? How does one maintain relationships with people who don't always behave well themselves? How does one recognize "healthy, kind, encouraging, and supportive people?" How does one remove dog urp from a light tan carpet? (OK, I figured that last one out...) How does one stop saying "how does one" without banging one's head against the desk?? :) It's one thing to know what is right; it's a totally different thing to recognize that you don't have a clue how to do it, but that if you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.

OK, here's the thing: I'm still thinking about that stupid boy..... He's seeing someone - "a great gal", according to his mother. Why she sent me a Christmas card is beyond me...... But she did. I answered (because I was brought up right), but it certainly took the lid off of something I thought I'd packed away pretty well and forgotten about: my crush since I was 13 years old.... (Sigh!)

Rule #1: We will no longer try to cure this illness (for illness it is) with M & M peanut candies. Rule #2: In obeying Rule #1, we will not substitute other forms of "comfort food" for the aforementioned M & M peanut candies. Although they are tasty, they go straight to my behind and stay. Rule #3: Instead of treating the symptoms with food, we will focus on what is going well right now and on keeping it (whatever it might be) going well. Rule #4: We will give thanks for every single person God has brought into our lives because they mean that we have a future.

Maybe I will think of more rules tomorrow. I hope they won't all be phrased in the royal "we....."