Well, here's the denouement. They both read the email, and they've talked, and my dad called and said, "you're right." Not entirely unexpected, because I was right, but that's not really the point.
He then says, "I've got somebody here who wants to talk to you," and hands the phone to my mom. Her first words are, "I understand - I understand that I'm just not going to be able to talk about my feelings."
AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! [head explodes]. We are now entering the "poor me" phase of the next who-knows-how-long.
Anyway, she's coming up to see my aunt on the 23rd, which is a week from yesterday. At first she said that she was going to go up there, pick my aunt up, take her to look at this place where the cousins' reunion is going to be in September, take her home, drop her off and then go home, "since I don't want to interfere in your life...." [head explodes again].
Either she doesn't get that her talking about how she feels is fine as long as she respects certain boundaries about it, or her life with my dad is so miserable that the only feelings she has about her life are that my dad is making her miserable - which I don't entirely believe, BTW. My dad can be a selfish brat, but he's not intractible.
So, we'll see. I know that part of the reason she's really pissed off at me is because she didn't want to admit some of what she said about the choices she made, and I don't think she wanted my dad to know any of it, either. See, my parents had what used to be called a "shotgun" wedding back in '63 (although, technically, there was no shotgun, and my grandfather and my uncle would have just as rather my parents didn't get married, but that's another story for another day).
There were issues there that pre-dated her and my dad's courtship that my mom has just sat on for 44+ years, and she won't let go of any of it, since it seems much more useful to hold it over his head for the rest of their married lives. As I sit here now, I don't know whether my mom is mad that my dad knows things she hadn't planned to tell him, or if she's sort of glad that it's out in the open because she wanted him to know but didn't want to actually come right out and take responsibility for it. Or both.
Damn! Raising parents is hard......
Showing posts with label Parental Units. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parental Units. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
New Day
Well, one thing at a time, I guess. I wrote a long email to the parental units about everything. I haven’t heard from them, so I guess they either got it and read it and have disowned me, or they’re talking about it. We'll see.....
Monday, July 16, 2007
Cleaning House
Just as the cleaning of a home brings a sense of order and peace to the resident, so cleaning the inside of my head brings a sense of order and peace to, well, me.
I am inherently mistrustful of things that happen too quickly. If it's fast, it's probably not done well or thoroughly, and it's probably going to need fixing again. However, when a train goes off the tracks, putting it back immediately is usually a successful endeavor.
Last week, I went off the tracks. So totally off the tracks that I blocked out certain things I had agreed to do. I even forgot an appointment I apparently agreed to last week that I was supposed to go to my aunt's and uncle's yesterday. My aunt called me last night asking if I was coming - I hadn't even remembered agreeing to go.
I told her I was very sorry - that I hadn't written it down, and so when I was looking at my calendar yesterday and Saturday, I didn't realize I was supposed to be there. I told her that I would bring dinner next time since I was the one that had totally messed up.
On one hand, I think she was ticked because she'd gone to a lot of trouble to fix a nice dinner both weeks (I didn't go last week either because I had just gotten back, and I didn't realize that she expected me the day I returned from a 12-hour drive - she did).
On the other hand, I think she was a little relieved that even 40-something year olds forget things like that. Plus, she was going to call my mom anyway to confirm when my mom is coming for her visit, so that was probably just as well.
And on that, I have started working on what happened the last time I was at my parents' house, and as far as the boundary problem, I decided that one healthy boundary I can set is to tell my mom that I am not going to listen to her complain about being married to Dad. I love them both, and while I recognize they both have imperfections, I will not listen to either one of them criticize or tear down the other one. Either deal with it between the two of them, or seek outside assistance from a qualified and trusted person, but do not dump that crap on me. There. That’s one.
The other things I decided I could do were 1) get a quiet time diary from the bible institute I attended back in 1983 (which I ordered today); and, 2) get involved in something specific at the church that I can commit to doing for at least a year, other than the choir.
The church I belong to has a library of its own, and I've always loved libraries. They were places of refuge and places from which to explore the world without leaving the comfort of my own place.
The lady who has been in charge of the church library for what is apparently a very long time needs help, especially since the last donation Sunday yielded a contribution for a computer system for the library. She can only see out of one eye, and she can't do the computer work for long without a break, so I volunteered to help her - not just with the computer stuff but with the library as well.
I learned how the card system works, and I learned that I can help with the cross-referencing and indexing of subject matter when they get the computer, which will help people who want to research a particular subject but don't know what is out there on what they want.
Since that's how my brain works, I thought that would be a good idea. At least for a year or so - I don't want to just jump in and out of things, but I also want to try different things and see where my talents are best used. The church also has a website, and I'd like to do something there, too, but I need to go slowly. There is nothing like agreeing to do too much too quickly to get a really bad case of burnout.......
I am inherently mistrustful of things that happen too quickly. If it's fast, it's probably not done well or thoroughly, and it's probably going to need fixing again. However, when a train goes off the tracks, putting it back immediately is usually a successful endeavor.
Last week, I went off the tracks. So totally off the tracks that I blocked out certain things I had agreed to do. I even forgot an appointment I apparently agreed to last week that I was supposed to go to my aunt's and uncle's yesterday. My aunt called me last night asking if I was coming - I hadn't even remembered agreeing to go.
I told her I was very sorry - that I hadn't written it down, and so when I was looking at my calendar yesterday and Saturday, I didn't realize I was supposed to be there. I told her that I would bring dinner next time since I was the one that had totally messed up.
On one hand, I think she was ticked because she'd gone to a lot of trouble to fix a nice dinner both weeks (I didn't go last week either because I had just gotten back, and I didn't realize that she expected me the day I returned from a 12-hour drive - she did).
On the other hand, I think she was a little relieved that even 40-something year olds forget things like that. Plus, she was going to call my mom anyway to confirm when my mom is coming for her visit, so that was probably just as well.
And on that, I have started working on what happened the last time I was at my parents' house, and as far as the boundary problem, I decided that one healthy boundary I can set is to tell my mom that I am not going to listen to her complain about being married to Dad. I love them both, and while I recognize they both have imperfections, I will not listen to either one of them criticize or tear down the other one. Either deal with it between the two of them, or seek outside assistance from a qualified and trusted person, but do not dump that crap on me. There. That’s one.
The other things I decided I could do were 1) get a quiet time diary from the bible institute I attended back in 1983 (which I ordered today); and, 2) get involved in something specific at the church that I can commit to doing for at least a year, other than the choir.
The church I belong to has a library of its own, and I've always loved libraries. They were places of refuge and places from which to explore the world without leaving the comfort of my own place.
The lady who has been in charge of the church library for what is apparently a very long time needs help, especially since the last donation Sunday yielded a contribution for a computer system for the library. She can only see out of one eye, and she can't do the computer work for long without a break, so I volunteered to help her - not just with the computer stuff but with the library as well.
I learned how the card system works, and I learned that I can help with the cross-referencing and indexing of subject matter when they get the computer, which will help people who want to research a particular subject but don't know what is out there on what they want.
Since that's how my brain works, I thought that would be a good idea. At least for a year or so - I don't want to just jump in and out of things, but I also want to try different things and see where my talents are best used. The church also has a website, and I'd like to do something there, too, but I need to go slowly. There is nothing like agreeing to do too much too quickly to get a really bad case of burnout.......
Friday, September 8, 2006
Sharing violation
The biggest and most important lesson of childhood (after potty training and "please" and "thank you") is how to share. You learn to share toys, snacks, clothes, shoes, Barbies (distinguished from actual toys because they're, well, Barbies), and ... parents.
As the oldest of four, I had to learn to share mommy and daddy early - before I was a year old - because my sister was born 13 months and 1 day after I was. Supposedly, I had that whole first year to myself, but the reality was, I had about 4-6 months before my mom started getting morning sickness and hormone fluctuations that accompanied her pregnancies.
By the time my oldest brother was born, I was 7 (and a half!), so I knew the drill pretty well; my sister was not so astute. Her nose got out of joint at no longer being the baby, and it's still a bit out of joint to this very day. My youngest brother's birth when I was almost 10 completed the tribe. While my sister felt some solidarity with him (he was the baby boy, but she was still the baby girl), she and my oldest brother are still somewhat competitive.
Flash-forward 42 years, and we have learned a little better to share. Not much better but a little better. :) Thus, I can say with complete honesty that I am totally digging the fact that I am getting SO much more parent time this year than my siblings!! Granted, my brother lives the closest and as a result, his kids get to spend time with their Nana whenever possible, but that's only because of proximity.
My folks are coming for a visit next weekend, my dad and I are going to a Tigers game (go Tigers!!), and my mom and I are already planning how we're going to handle the Sunday portion of the weekend (there is a 20th anniversary of a church my dad pastored for about 10 years, and she doesn't want to go.... We're working on that...) There may be a little hooky involved. We won't go into details.
As the oldest of four, I had to learn to share mommy and daddy early - before I was a year old - because my sister was born 13 months and 1 day after I was. Supposedly, I had that whole first year to myself, but the reality was, I had about 4-6 months before my mom started getting morning sickness and hormone fluctuations that accompanied her pregnancies.
By the time my oldest brother was born, I was 7 (and a half!), so I knew the drill pretty well; my sister was not so astute. Her nose got out of joint at no longer being the baby, and it's still a bit out of joint to this very day. My youngest brother's birth when I was almost 10 completed the tribe. While my sister felt some solidarity with him (he was the baby boy, but she was still the baby girl), she and my oldest brother are still somewhat competitive.
Flash-forward 42 years, and we have learned a little better to share. Not much better but a little better. :) Thus, I can say with complete honesty that I am totally digging the fact that I am getting SO much more parent time this year than my siblings!! Granted, my brother lives the closest and as a result, his kids get to spend time with their Nana whenever possible, but that's only because of proximity.
My folks are coming for a visit next weekend, my dad and I are going to a Tigers game (go Tigers!!), and my mom and I are already planning how we're going to handle the Sunday portion of the weekend (there is a 20th anniversary of a church my dad pastored for about 10 years, and she doesn't want to go.... We're working on that...) There may be a little hooky involved. We won't go into details.
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