Friday, May 18, 2007

Still shell-shocked

Today is a little better. I’m still sad, and I’m still a little hurt, but I feel like I have a little more perspective on it. It could just be that the family decided they wanted the service to be just for family. I can understand that – they might also include anyone at her church who was close to her, while I hadn’t seen her in three and a half years (even though I'd written to her monthly for how long now....). I can do my own thing as far as closure and remembering her life in a way that helps me, and that will be OK.

The only thing is, I feel like I did – how many years ago? – when I had a similar experience with someone else. I hadn’t seen it coming at all, and then wham! Both situations came down to someone treating me as if I wasn’t worth their time for even the smallest courtesy - the whole "not-talking-to-you" thing is very immature, but it works. All I could do the last time was to withdraw to my own “safe zone” and wait until I felt healed enough to venture back out into the world. That’s how I feel now – fragile and stretched beyond what I can cope with on my own. I want to go home and cry, and I can't.

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